All mixed up

I really don't know how to start this entry, coz right now a lot of my emotions are mixed up together. Fear... Pain... Confusion... Loneliness... and Sadness...

I fear some things right now, coz Im scared of what might happen to me now, later or sometime in the future. Some of you may know that I have a heart problem right now. I've been feeling my heart palplitations a lot more frequently than before. And my chest pains happened to me again. I told my folks about it, and called my cardio right away. He said that if ever I felt my palpitations again, I'll breathe deeply in a brown bag. Then undergo 2D scan on Monday. Again, I got scared, I dunno what might be the result be.

I'm in pain, not only physically but also mentally or emotionally. The pressure I feel in my chest scares me, as well as the irregular skipping beats of my heart. But I can still tolerate those symptoms, what really hurt me, are the words my mom just said yesterday. She asked me if I want to go to the hospital, I told her "bahala kayo...". And then she said, "Hindi ako ang may nararamdaman, ikaw yon." And by that, I didn't answer back, I don't wanna start a fight.

The reason why I said "bahala kayo..." is not because im denying that I do feel something that is not normal. It's just that I'm not the one who's gonna pay for the 2D scan. I heard my mom said that 2D scan is expenssive, but my dad said its fine for as long as its for me. Of course, knowing my dad, he just said that coz i was there listening to them. We're not rich, and I know that the scan will cost us money, even just for my consultation it will cost us. I just thought, I don't want to trouble my parents about money because of me. I know we're talking about health, but let's face it - we're still talkin about money. And money doesn't grow in trees.

I'm confused right now, coz I don't know what to do with my life. Of course Im concerned with my health. But I'm also concerned with my family. Maybe that's why I felt like crying, coz I dunno what to do, but there are so many things to think of.

I'm lonely, coz I don't have someone to tell my feelings or problems right now. It's hard for me to see that you're already having troubles and I don't want to add up to your pressures and concerns. I don't have my friends with me all the time, and I don't wanna bother my folks as well. For now, this blog is helping me in every little way.

I' m sad coz right now, I just feel like crying in a corner of my room. I dunno why, but I just felt like releasing my feelings locked up inside me. I've been causing trouble to the people around me. I've been worrying the people who cares for me, and yet it is me who causes all those things to them. That's why I've been saying a lot of "Im sorry" to you lately.

So if ever you are reading this, "I'm sorry." I know that it is hard for you not to worry about me, its because you love me and you care for my health. But I can take care of myself and I can manage. It hurts me whenever you're troubled by your problems and I can't do anything to help.

You know how much I love you, so please understand just like the way I understand you. All I ask is for your support and understanding. Thank you so much. I love you...