My Other Self

I'm in the middle of my midterm exams, so I'm kinda stuck under a pile of thick books. I've been feeling restless lately, maybe it's due to stress. I've been reading a lot of chapters everyday, memorizing formulas and doing projects and stuff for school.

A lot has happened to me lately since my last update here. Like last Aug. 27, Monday, was one of our monthsarries again, well actually it was our first anniversarry celebrating it. UC and I call it "E-day". For those who are curious about E-day, it was the time UC eloped me as Kira as to Lacus. Where Kira (played by UC), snatched Lacus (me) away from the Trinity ship and flew to someplace else to eloped. This happened last Aug. 27 2006 at GSR Pioneer Borad, View Deck. And last Monday was our 1st anniv. celebrating it.

Well, enough about that. The reason I posted this time is to share to you all one of my most feared nights that happened to me last night.

I had trouble sleeping last night, and I called UC to keep me company for a while. Luckily, he too was awake. So we talked for awhile, and then finally sleep won over my hubby. I've let him go ahead of me, coz I've been feeling a bit droopy by that time. So by the time I said my goodnights and goodbyes, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but to no avail. I've been awake for an hour or so, and I'm guessing it was 12 mn by then.

My head had been filling some stuff that I can't recall, then soon after I was in dreamland. Dreams can either be pleasant or haunting. But by that time, it scarred me big time. I dreamt about being in an underground place, where it's hot and dark. I can feel its hot coz the walls were releasing smoke. It was dark, and the only thing that lit the place were the red flames below me. I could see myself in a high place, kinda like a rocky mountain, and I was riding some sort of cart. I guess, I was trying to get out of the so-called hell that I was in.

I felt the hot air flowing against me as it brushes against my hair. The cart was rolling faster and faster as it drops down below. And by the time I was near the exit, someone grabbed my hand from behind and tried to pull me down. When I looked back, I saw myself.

An exact copy of me, was pulling me down. She was angry at me, staring at me with her sharp glares. I tried to get away, but her grip was just too tight. She said to me, "This is all your fault! I am here because of you! You're to blame of what I am now! It's all your fault!"

She yelled at me angrily as her voice echoed underground. I was confused in my dream. Why does she look like me? Why is she angry at me? What did I do? I kept on asking myself those question in my dream. And yet, I dunno the answers.

I kept on jerking my hand away from my "other self", and at last I broke free. I saw here being dragged by the fast moving cart. Her limbs were being torn apart by the friction against her body by the rough surface. She was hurt and wounded by the process, and still she held a strong grip in the cart, not letting go no matter what. Her stares were still looking straight at me, her eyes were full of anger and rage. "This is all your fault!" she kept on yelling.

But as for me, all I did was cry that night. I kept on telling myself, "no... it's not my fault... no". I was confused about what I saw, she was just like me, a complete copy of me, and yet she hates me. Maybe that girl in my dream, is my "other me" that hates me. A part of me that resembles my negative side that hates my existence.

Now I ask - why?

I was scared, so scared that I was panicking when I woke up this morning. The dream frightened me, that it got to the point that I'm not myself a while ago. I ate little breakfast coz i don't have the appetite, I kept on forgetting my stuff for school and the things I have to do for this day.

The things I feared that happens to me at night are the haunting nightmares I experience during my slumber. I was so scared of sleeping, that the only way I find comfort and peace is when I'm with Jon. At least, even just for a while, I can sleep knowing that he'll be there to protect me.