The future... a reality or just a dream?

I was about to post on my birthday and share the simple moments I've spent on being 20. Yet sadly, my 20th birthday isn't really much to celebrate. When I was young, I always look forward to the day of my birthday, but as I grew old I didn't expect much out of it. Maybe it's an adult-becoming-getting-older-thing. Either way, I really didn't have that much of a blast.

The day started of with me being bug by my old firends in my cellphone. My bestfreind greeted me and told me that she's 7 mos. pregnant. I was so surprised that she's giving birth on May and now asking to be her child's "ninang". Then I had breakfast, I saw my mom already making food and greeted me with a smile. I was so happy by then, even a simple greeting from my mom means a lot to me. I asked where my dad is, but mom said he's at work. It was a bit of a turn-off when dad wasn't here on my birthday. By he did sent me a text message and greeted me happy birthday. Ok, that made me feel a lil better. My lil bro treated me a lil nicely back then too. I was contented with just being with my family.

But~ my day wasn't all simple and clean. I stood up and got ready for school, yeah I got an exam on my birthday. And to top it all up, it's one of my major subjects. So I went to school a bit early and spent my free time reviewing. My friends and classmates gave me their greetings and returned them with a thank you. It really made me smile, even though my head was already aching from the things I'm studying. My friend Nica even gave a a bar of chocolate, she knew I lov chocolates. Then my Friend Jenny gave me a knitted cellphone strap made by her mom. It was so cute, I love simple handmade gifts.

Then finally, exam time came and I was so nervous when I took it. I whispered a simple short prayer before answering it, coz by then I needed guidance to pass this exam. It really freakin' hard. When I passed my answer sheet, I met up with my thesismates. We prepped our thesis for submission and passed it that day. But the unexpected reality hit us like a buolder rolling down the mountain ---- We're not included in the list of schedules of oral defense. That really pissed me off, wtf happened?! we finished our thesis on time, yet we don't have a sched?! blast it all!

After calming myself down, we've decided to calll on our adviser and tell her about our problem. She assured us that we'll be on the list, but she didn't even know that she's gonna be on the defense for 2 days. gawd... that day was so frustrating.

The frustration lightly subsided when I got home. My mom was cooking spaghetti, and the smell of fried chicken filled the chicken. It really made me hungry after the nosebleed-exam I took. When we're about to start eating, my mom opened a big box of cake at the table, it was a mocha cake with pink and white frosting on it. The celebration isn't really much, I don't have any visitors and friends that I invited, it was only us three, my mom, me and my bro and with my dad at work.

After eating I went up and spent my time online. I was a bit more happy after seeing my forum friends' greeting from the birthday thread my hubby made. I was really happy back then, at least they gave me more reason to be happy on my birthday.

Yet sadly, my happiness on that day was short-lived, when my dad gave me a letter of approved immigration to New Zealand. It's true, by next year after my graduation, my whole family and I will be going to New Zealand to start a new life. Of course, in my inner most thoughts, it felt like both my heart and soul were shattered into tiny pieces. And yet my face gave a mask of happiness when my dad told me the "great" news". I couldn't be more happier for y father, he worked so hard to get this immigration, and now here I am thinking of what my future will be when the next 2009 comes.

I told this news to my significant other the next night, I can't affor to tell him at once becuase I thought it was all just a joke from my dad. It was only then that I realized that our immgiration was indeed a reality. I confirmed it when my dad told me he'll be giving me a new laptop for my next birthday. But I said I'd rather have a car by next year after I graduate, of course, I was only koing with that line. But my dad told me I wouldn't be needing a car, since we'll be going away here soon. His words struck deep into my heart, and gave me anguish pain down to the very ends of my soul. Yte my pain was kept deep inside me, with a false smile etched on my face. I was trying to hide my ture feelings...

Then after dinner, I immediately dialed my significant other and told him the news. It hit him hard, as hard it hit me. Silence fell in the telephone lines and only our breathing can be heard. Soon, silence broke with my little sobs of sadness. What will I do now? Will I go away and leave you here? How about us? How about me? How about my career? How will I live my life I I continue to live under the same roof with my parents? These questions haunted me like suffocating nightmare in the night. These same words I spoke to my boyfriend and slowly drowned into my own tears.

I dont' want to go, that's my decison. And my reason is not only becaus of love, but because of letting myself to be independent. I want to start my own life, I wanna make my own decisions, I wanna live my story and continue to pursue my dreams. I'm staying her to practice my career, I'm not only here to get my license, but I'm here to be an effective nurse. At least I wanna stay here and practice my nursing career, and then when the time comes go to abroad and work myself till I die. Then, when I have enough money, I'll bring my family here to live anew. That's my plan for my future. For me, for my family, and to what I wanna be in the future.

But my plans are slowly drifting away, when my dad said about going to New Zealand. That's not in my plans... Now I'm confused of what to do to myself.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of what the future will bring...

I'm scared of reality...

I'm scared of losing my love...

That night, I prayed... I prayed so hard to God to listen to my heart. I asked for guidance and for strenght. I prayed that I wish that that night was only just a dream...

If only it was a dream... wake me up...